The sky is full of dreams...

Awkwarrdd...

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:58:05 GMT

So Uh. Yeah. uh. Me and alex are like..together. you know, liek for real. Uh. I mean, it shouldn't be that big of a shock cause like, I wanted him back and I tried like...three times. But he just kept saying he didn't ever want to be with me ever again. Apparently he was lying. Not apparently, obviously. lol. I don't know what went through his head, and I know he was telling me that like I did a lot of things wrong but if he didn't mean that he shouldn't of said it, you know? He should'vej ust been like "I cant talk abotu that right now" not GO THE FUCK AWAY YOU IDIOT. lol. Cause that's what I did, and because he didnt' actaully mean all of that shit when I treated him like someone who didn't want me around *ie; not very nicely* he wasn't too pleased. SO yeah. We both kind of blew that way out of proportion, but like Idk. It was just hard cause I made it clear that I regreted the way I broke up with him, that I still loved and cared for him and he treated me like i'd cheated on him or like left him at the alter. like i'd done something horribly wrong, and because I felt I hadn't it hurt a lot. You know? Like, he took everything I did and said to him when he did bad thigns because he knew he deservevd it, but I didn't think I deserved all that :/ so I tried to like make it worse for him. Idk. we're retarded. Absolutely retarded. haha. So now we're together. Again. for the 5th time, don't listen to him it's 5 becasue I can count whatever I want. haha. I know a lot of my friends are going to be exhasperated and like alessa. for serious. dont' do this. lol. Buuutt I'm doin' it. I'm becoming more and more existentialist. It's like my goal. I just want to live my life here and now kind of thing. i make my own destiny. lol. I'm sort of contemplating not being defined by my edge anymore. I don't know yet what that's going to entail I just know I've been edge for the wrong reasons for some time now, and I respect the scene and those in it far too much to just use it. And if my hearts not in it, that's using it. I just want to be me. as crazy as that sounds because I don't even know who I am. I guess that's just it, I feel like who I wanted to be and who I was aren't here any more. And so if i'm going to shed my skin and find a new shell..animal references are fun...im going to have to do it full force or risk lying to myself and others. I just hope that no matter what I do or don't do people don't lose respect for me, or feel like they don't even know me. I'll always be me at the core, its just a time to kind of..see what life has to offer. I'll never REALLY grow up but I think this is about as close to it as i'll ever come. I can't hold on to the ideals of 13 year old me. I just can't. Maybe that has something to do with why I broke up with Alex in the first place. IDK. It's just a difficult time of transition. Im not where I spent my whole highschool career planning to be, so now I have absolutely no idea what that means. I'm just hoping those most important to me c an just bare..bear? bare? with me during this tiem and accept that some things are going to change about me, but I'll always be the same deep down. A ..tiger..can't..change..its spots..who has the spots? lepords. lol. They can hwoever dye them a different color from time to time. you know? So maybe I'll look a little different or do thigns a little differently but at the end of the day I'm still going to want to live in disney world drinking blue icees for the rest of my life. haha. >.> A girl can dream. lol.
So yeah. that's that. We'll uh..see how this goes. If me and alex can actually make this work that'd be great. lol. Idk though. it won't be easy. :/ alsjdlkasdjas. we'll see. ....

the end.

It's a rare occasion

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 17:10:19 GMT

that I go through Old Lj Entries..and laugh my ass off. hahaha. I was going through tags. It was fun. I'm bore.d I have a biology test in an hour. I studied for almost two hours though! UGH. I can only read about polysaccahriededs so much. Bleh. Last night I hung out with Amanda and Travis. Yes, that Travis,. I know,right?! haha. It was soo much fun. It's been awhile since I laughed that much. But whenver I'm with Amanda its unavoidable. We got lost with a GPS. CLASSIC. And we drove down claremont FOUR times before we realized 1) we were going in a circle and 2) The Geepis thought we were on travis' street (hence the cirlce)...we were not on travis' street. lol. But you gotta underrstand, I mean you really gotta understand, it was the west side. of buffalo. you have to like be magical to navigate it. or rican. hahah JAY KAY. anyways.

So, we went to cold stone. And we sat around telling "remember that one time" stories, cept I kept bringing up shit from middle school. haha. 'DUDE SHE CHOKED HIM. BUT I'D OF CHOKED HIS ASS TOO.' haha. I dont even remember what was so funny, but it was just like everything was. 'you dont know its me' 'you cant prove it!' ahahhaha. I got cake batter ice cream..with red velvet cake...IN IT. hahaha. I had raw cake and cooked cake. cake <3. And so, we decided sugar is not enough..CAFFINE. So travis was like oh im manly, ill just walk and me and amanda were like..fine. but then amanda didnt want to go anymore, so she called travis who was outside and he said but i want to go so we said okay and we went to go park but we saw there was a drive through so we told travis to get in the car, and he did. and then amanda tried to back up to the pick up window...hahahahhaha. The Amanda hit on a clearly gay man and called him Baby. hahaha. Then we went to Peforming Arts. The one act plays were really good this year. The faculty play was ridiculous. I don't think anyone expects to hear teachers crack THATS WHAT SHE SAID jokes. haha. And jam and mr houk had a dance off...again. hahaha. Cause doing it once just wasn't enough. then they all got dentention. hahah.Seeing the trunchbull in detention..dressed like avril lavigne...priceless. haha. Alex wasn't amused when I made amanda send him a picture but I fuckin' was hahha.
After we tried to kidnap ms.lyons and she refused we went to Dennys. Where we were obnoxious. They had a madlib game and we're perverted. "I tried to find all the breakfast joints within fucking distance" 'all my friends chose their colleges based on anal sex' hahahahhahaha. it was funny. 'table for three?' travis: FOUR SHES PREGNANT. amanda does that to me :(. and now travis :(. We named the baby tabitha. i love my imaginary baby. LOL.
I got home at like 11 at night, on a school night >.< woopsies. haha But it was really really fun adn I love performing arts so much. It's seriously the coolest school ever, and it's gotten so much better. Maybe one day my kid will go there! lolol. I told travis me him and amanda should be the new mama jones and just go back there and work for 400 years. haha. they said no :/.
other than that....not much goin' on in mah life.

I should probably go be productive now that I got that out of my system. But im too bored to be productive! :(.

Decent Day

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:40:38 GMT

I have no one to talk to about supernatural anymore. I mean,this is the second time that's happened so I should be used to it. Just makes me sad. Somedays its the little things. the littlee thinggss. good charlotte reference ftw. Anyways. Last nights epsode was a little funny. NOT funnylike the last two. this keyboard sucks. anyways. But it was sad. And sam got killed :( He was only dead for like..idk..10 minutes. It still sucked cause like that was the whole point was to kill sam...so I was like O.O is this where this is going kripke?! llike..no seriously...NO. haha. and ofcourse Anna turned out to be a bitch. If its one thing ive learned its that no girl on supernatural will ever be good. cept jo and whatshername. but they're dead. whoever they have sex with. always ends up being bad, or dying. NOW, If I were on that show...>.> haha. Kidding. PUDDINNGG. oh dean. I don't think the relationship between dean and sam will get better, even though it should. Because its ze end of ze world. alaska can come too. and they should realize what they have and dean should trust sam :(. I watched that episode the other day and it made me cry. that and the "you wwalk out that door, dont you ever come back". I kind of forgot how like..completely over it was for awhile. But they should bounce back and love eachother again casue...end.of.theworld. ya know? hahaha. stupid boys. So far school has been boring.I hate my bsc class, it lasts way too long. I have a new sweater. It's very cute but doesn't keep me warm.NOTHING keeps me warm :[. I don't have much going on in my life besides tops and school. And my friends. lol. And Disney. Oh Disney. Work has been ridiculous. I wonder if managment really gives a damn about the customers or the cashiers. I know they don't but you'd think they would. This is getting like..impossible. Like I feel like at some point the whole store is goign to implode. Everyday I go in there its a madhouse. and I can'thandle that with school man. It's like a 5 hour work out, no breaks, no food and I might have gotten like 3 hours of sleep. maybe. But what can I do? I need the money. I have like this huge list of shit that is currently stressing me out. It'dbe great to have someone to be there for me. But he walked out the door a few weeks ago. So hello my own two feet. :(. You are not as strong as I thought you once were! You are infact wobbly. Wobbly like jello. Sad wobbly jello. :(. sad. sad sad. lol. Im all cracked out today. This has no structure or reason. AWE Im gonna miss the cake boss in disney world tonight!! I better be able to find it on ze intarnet. Or i'll be pissed. Prostitue. I hatchu. Ih ave a problem with internet videos. Andy showed me mittens the detective cat and every day at work I call his phone going MEOWWMEOOWMEWOOO MEOWWW. "I just had my life threatned....and my mothers sexual decency brought into question" haha.Im having amandessa day with Amanda tommorow. I am more excited about that than pretty much anything else at thsi moment in time. I miss her like crazy :(. I miss highschool.I think Im going to tell her she has to go to buffstate next year and sched her classes with me so we can hang out all day and not do any work. :D. And just talk about Disney World. Well I think im goign to get more coffee and start working on my ...work. Idk what work I have but I know I have some!

"Are you talking about sex?"
'Well yes I guess I am'
"I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU!"

xXx

There's nothin' I can do, There's nothin I can say now (glass half full)

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:26:35 GMT

So, My last class I THINK was canceled. Which IS good. Because I had to leave early to get my work study done. But I don't have my phone, so my mom will not be coming with my work study things until amost 4 pm. And I was so bored on my last hour break that I tried to go to class early...and it was the class that I retardedout and didn't know my buffstate e-mail cause it was the first tiem I was asked for it, and I hadn't even like...given it a thought...so I wasl ike uhh I def don't know that. ahha. Oh alessa. I hate you. Also today, I spilled red amp all over my messanger bag. And I lost my pen. And this obnoxious girl was OBNOXIOUS AND HERE. when she really shouldn't be. and then because I needed glasses but refuse to admit it I had to sit in the front row inbetween OBNOXIOUS NONSTOPTALKING PEOPLE. stop.talking.to.me.please. just.stop. I did find a pen, and brendan had his morning bagel with me. and I should, in theory not miss anythign from my class. Which is good because it is my social work class. And I was reminded that there are guys out there who will like me and find me attrative and that made me feel less bad about myself, cause I feel was ..I was feeling..pretty bad about myself.Even if he was just being nice. It made me less sad. I didn't get any sleep last night. I almost ditched school today but that is not how I roll. I have not turned off Disney or The Killers since 7:30 am. I like all of my classes so far. I think I understand biology. And I like my social work class. BSC is pointless, but NOT as pointless as NUS. What else? I thought I was going to hate philosophy but it might just make me hate greek literature a little less. Maybe. And American History is fun becasue we are not talking about Americans yet but Native Americans and the Mexica people, which are commonly known as the Aztecs. And in Biology we learned that the reason why you like the way one guy smells, and not the other guy is mostly dependent on ferrahmoans. HAHHA. that came out so wrong.HAHHA. I didn't mean..ahhahaha. im drunk. Okay.pheramones? Yeah. Apparently, the closer in DNA to someone you are, the less you are attracted to them and this is done to stop interbreeding. Not jesus as we thought it once was. Anyways, I decided this explained why I am attracked to Irish and British men, because they are far from my DNA. lol. This is probably the single most pointless entry I've ever written, I know i've said that before, but I really MEAN it this time.

Well, all in all I like college and I liek seeing annabelle and brendan and getting to use my book deferment money to feed my coffee addiction. AND IT'S NOT NU. waahoo. Now, once I start work study, work, and volunteering I might just stop existing.

But don't worry, I'll come back when it's time to go to DisneyWorld. Becuase at this point that is all I am living for. Disney. and Amanda. And Disney with Amanda. (and deebaby). I cannot wait to go on the teacups. and see Wishes. I am typing with gloves on. Fingerless gloves.

I hope everyone has a good day and not aday in which good things the nabd things then good things happen but just a good day n which good things happen.

I will pass out sometime around 5, wake up at 9 feeling sick, and be up till 6 am. In other words I'll see you on facebook.

UNLESS I STILL DONT HAVE INTERNET. :O. I'll die. just DIE.

xXx

I think it would be great if sledding was always enough...but it isn't.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:26:33 GMT

So, Im taking advantage of my 3.00 for a paid account and I redid my lj with PENGINS. Look at it please lol. I did that because I used to know who would read my lj and who wouldnt but times have changed so I'm just making everything f/o (impossible on a normal account. easy as pie on a paid. hence the 3.00) and then my LJ entries from here on out will be public until I update or feel like making it f/o. :D. Dont worry. I swore Id never make it f/o and I havent. Not really, anyone reading this has already read what ive said. haha.

Besides, since Ive stopped associating in any way with anyone still in or who was in highschool with me, theres been NO LJ drama.Huh. Strange. ;)

Im making my LJ into a book! Did you know you could do that? I didn't. But you can! It's only going to be my senior year into college though because those are my best lj enteries ever where I quoted perks every time I updated and I felt like the whole world was infront of me. I feel now, that its like in Pirate of the Carribean 3. when Norrington told Jack that the world was being filled in, the map was getting smaller and smaller and smaller. But when I was 18 the entire world was still there. There wasn't anything filled in, I hadn't even tried to fly yet. Nothing was ruined or dissapointing or lack luster. It was possible that the world out there was paved in gold. In hindsight I should've been more realistic but I'd never give up that year of total blind idealism for all the money in the word. Even to be right. Because I really was infinite. And I'll love that forever.

/awkward segway into present dealings/

I had a really fun time today! I went ice skating with Andy and Dave and Andys friends Sara and Christine. They are all gay and all couples. It was really really cold out, but I was happy to be skating. They played Charlie Brown music and that just made it so much better. It made me feel like a little kid and how really lucky I am that I can tap into it like an untapped source. If that makes any sense. A lot of people give up that feeling, but I always have it locked inside of me ready for use and never ending. And that's why I love holidays so much. And Christmas is very magical and as me and amanda say-there are twinklies everywhere. I mean everywhere. And we had hotchocolate. TWICE. And being outside under all the lights and going so fast like you could take off and fly over the city..its just a feeling I love ;D. We even taught dave how to ice skate and I think he got the hang of it! And we kept talking, like big discussions about gay marriage and our country and computers but no matter how adult we all seemed at one point or another (saras gf thingy is almost 30!) we all seemed like kids the secnd we stepped on that ice. Magical right? I love spending time with Andy and Dave too because they know how to have fun and to be crazy and Dave is an excellent baker and host. He put sprinkles in my hot cocoa! sprinkles! How nice. He even attempted to teach me how to croche. But I'm afraid the lesson was lost on me :/ haha.

And I also spent time with Amanda, in which we discovered nothing haschanged since we were 16 making movies in her computer room at 3 in the morning when we had school the next day. :D. And I like that, I like that constant in my life. She'l always be amanda even when she's old. In which case she'll be sue...err oh my god im dores. hahhaahaha. She is the funniest person I have ever met period. And I hope those vidoes never make it on youtube. :P.

My birthday is in a week, and I've been thinking about it alot. What it will mean to not be a teenager anymore. To really officially shed the skin I've had since I could remember, because even when you're 10 you think you're 17. So a whole decade, you know like the killers say "the decades dissapear like sinking ships, but we perservere" two decades. Poof. Gone. It's insane and I feel old.

On jan. 8th I will be getting a tatto that I think will make me stronger and remind me that I was chosen to live and I am lucky to be alive. And that I should live every single day like it is my very last, but I don't understand how to do that when things aren't infinite anymore. All of my what ifs and what would happens are filled in and I have to make new ones But I don't have any new ones. Sometimes I never want to go to paris so I can still have a dream that can't be disolved. Sometimes I want it to be like Up. Waiting for my life to start when it's already started this whole time. I should find that paper Id id for mr.tritto about how I'm 40 and I am feeling just like I am right now. Isay that in my paper I say "I've spent my whole life waiting for my life to start but it's already started and Im not done yet." That's all I remember besides me and amanda living in Disney World married to Princes or something equally ridiculous. I think it's sad I guessed my life at 40 and it was really my life at 20. Sometimes it just doesn't take that long I guess. Hm.
Well, whatever happens happens I guess...I'll just keep enjoying the little things. Like Disney World. and Christmas. And I hope every one remembers to give presence this year-not presents. :D. We're lucky to be where are and to be in a great position ot help others, why not use it?

I should sleep this is a classic late night alessa thought too much entry. oh well. enjoy yoursevlves out there in internetland.

xXx