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Last night me and Andy went to see NEW FOUND GLORY for their 10th anniversary of stick and stones tour! I miss pop punk and the punk scene like nobody's buisness. I haven't listened to it in a long time, but NFG's new album, GC's latest album- it's all so good. Sadly we had to drive out to Cleveland Heights, but i'm used to road tripping to see bands. I spent the night at Andy's apartment he shares with this girl. We baked brownies and watched Supernatural for like 3 hrs straight. We finished season one! I'm so happy, Andy loves Dean. ^.^ I'd share Dean with Andy, but not anyone else ever. ever. And of course I love Sammy! LITTLE SAMMY. god. he's so adorable I just want to like ignore S3 onward (but i'd never) anyways. This is not about my unhealthy 8 year obsession with the Winchesters.Even though the next day we watched MORE supernatural. haha. I love the drives to shows with Andy, we always have so much fun singing along and making up lyrics and playing the Jew game and talking about how we're gonna die during ___ insert song here. Then we of course went to this cute book store, before heading to the grogshop. The Story So Far was playing, and it's now been twice I've seent his band open for bands I LOVE. So I'm listening to them more now, they put on a great show, and I like them a lot! Yay for new Pop Punk Bands! When New Found Glory came on, it was like coming home. Everyone in the crowd was just having fun. And I love hard core, and hard core shows. But there's an energy in punk/pop punkt hat you don't get anywhere else. There are punk bands that are closer to hard core, and the hard core I used to listen to was AFI/Minor Threat/punk based. But there are punk bands where it's all about community and coming together to dance and jump and sing. And I did just that. we were having a blast. Kids were hanging from the cieling, stage diving, moshing, jumping around. Some bitch was in the middle of the pit with her purse doing some like weird dances haha. At one point these dudes who were determined to throw down decided that I was skanking when I should be moshing. When this happened to Andy at Silverstein he threw his arms up like IM GOOD. And the dude did it again! So I was like YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?! And I started like throwing down haha. Like Yeah the dancing girl inthe Good Charlotte shirt can take all three of you. It worked and Andy and I continued dancing. They played the whole album, and during the SONG The Story so Far I almost cried, because I was just thinking about all my years in this scene and all the shows and friends I've made and how it saved my life and gave me positive role models, a diary to my inner thoughts and emotions, a release for my anger, a drug to keep me edge, a family and friends and above everything a place to BELONG. And not to sound emo but yes there were times in my teenage years where I lacked or FELT as if I lacked these things, but shows and the scene gave it all to me in spades. I don't know! I just love it, and it'd been a while. It just felt good. I was happy, and Andy had fun too! Anthem for the Unwanted was a BLAST. It's been a summer, something I call personality, NEVER GIVE UP! I gave 110% to that song, and no one was dancing. It was literally just me and andy in the pit screaming and dancing together "DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED, STAND OUT SIDE IN THE RAIN!" It was amazing. I'm so happy NFG is still a band, and that the scene is still the way it was ten years ago when I first got into it. They always put on a good show, and this was no exception. I had the time of my life! Now we have ETID, I have The Killers, and we have FINCH in CALIFORNIA. It's been the best show season we've ever had. Every show we go to we have fun and honestly I know it's because for a while there I was going alone, or when I was way younger I'd be in the front row. It's been a long time since I had a good friend to just go jump around and dance with. It's fuckin' awesome. I can't wait for ETID!


In which Andy now likes SUPERNATURAL

However, Andy and Jess like Cass and Sovante is in love with Ruby. Of all things. on this planet. EW. But yeah! Finally got Andy to watch the pilot. I haven't seen Season 1 in years. Me and Alex tried to years ago, but Dean's voice ruined it. 'HEHEHEH SAMMY' we were legit just laughing. But now I'm watching it and omg the winchesteryfeels. gah. Sammy's little FACE.I CAN'T EVEN. lol. We were ruining somethings for Andy and I feel bad because Sov actually watched the show for years and stopped around like 5 and Jess got into it when it was on TNT so we were all just blurting out random crap. At one point Sov was like I NEED RUBY so I go ugh. S3 Magnificent Seven. So we fastforward to not ruin anything for Andy but Bobby is there and this legit happened: (And IDK if jess or sov know that he's.....not..you know.)

Andy: Who's BOBBY?
Sov: Bobby is the glue that keeps them all together!
Sov: Seriously if they ever fight, he's always right there to patch things up.

I really don't think they know, and I was like don't cry, don't cry.

I've surpassed the level of normal on my obsession with this show. I think it's because I used to watch it with Alex and we're not friends anymore, so I watched it alone for the first time this Season and there was just so much I wanted to talk about!

Other than that we played Spoons and Bullshit and I love card games, so I was happy. And Adventure Time Madlibs. But Sov nor Jess have watched  Adventure Time, it was still funny. I'm glad we all got to hang out, they're the funnest group of people. And they all love Supernatural, so now my life is like..complete. haha.

I just wish I didn't ever have to go back to Tops. or that any of us ever had to go back there, we should all QUIT.

And on that note,

good night.
That's EXACTLY what I need. A European Boy. and by boy I mean MAN. UGH. I can't even begin to explain to you my issues as of late in the boy department, dear livejournal. Everything was just fine, then I had to be an idiot. (idjit). I def should have never escaped from my hideyhole of singledom. 'Cause it was super cozy in there. Not that I'm actually seeing anyone. No, no, no. But still, I've actually entertained the throught of not being single. I think I just need a dependable FWB. That would solve EVERYTHING. It's just not as easy as one might think, because I don't....I can't...the boys I find. Just...It's complicated. I'll find one worthy eventually. I just have to be patient, which I am not. Ever. I'd like to go back to not giving a shit/thinkingabout/caringabout/a guy or any guy or men in general, but getting laid is awesome. CONUNDRUM.


A THREE WEEK BACKPACKING TRIP TO EUROPE! Ah yes, I will find many a hot guy in EUROPE. From Spain mayhaps? Italy? PARIS?! PARIS. Paris. Paris? Paris. I whined and cried until Andy found a way for us to get from Naples back to Paris with time to actually spend in Paris because I decided 3 days and one in Disneyland Paris was not enough. He found a way though, because he is Andy and that's what he does. But we might not be able to actually do it. I will have to look into this.

Today marks 30 days until our trip! I am less and less excited every day and more and more nervous. I mean I am always excited, what I mean is that the nerves are creeping over into my excitedom and kind of killing the mood. There's still so much to finalize, buy, finish, figure out. So many French phrases I still don't know. UGH. ARGH. I need to like buckle down and just get shit DONE.

But whatever happens, or does not happen, we are going. And at the very least Greece is holding off on ending the world economic style because the democratic party won yesterday. That was REALLY fucking with my enjoyment of this trip. Not that I really have any idea of economics or politics. But I have a pretty good grasp on sociology and generally unfavorable elections + economic instability = shit on fire.

And also, I have a firm grasp on the fact that I don't like being lit on fire.

Therefore, thank god.

Other than that, my life has been pretty...chill? I've been at Tops forever trying to make money for this freaking trip. And we did have a Tops gathering! Lasertron/Party. Both we super awesome, and the party was one of the best we've ever had. I was super bummed John couldn't make it, he was so amped about both! Then bailed on both. I know,  I know, how are you surprised? I'm not, but he was still saying he was coming until like midnight so there's that. And we stayed til 2am. So it was a good night all around, and Jon actually stayed and chilled with everyone. The ever wonderful Jess G is throwing us a huge 'going away' party before we leave for Europe. This older lady at work was like '!?!? but you're coming back' I was like 1)Maybe. Maybe not. 2) We're all young and it's summer and I'm gonna miss the fuck outta all these mother fuckers. why would you not PARTY? Ugh. Lady. So I'm super excited for that!

AND WARPED TOUR!!!!!!!! Senses Fail and Taking Back Sunday are doing signings. I haven't met Buddy since I was 14 and he was 18. I kind of want to tell him this, then hand him my '101 reasons why I am your future wife and you don't realize yet (if this is too much for you we can just hook up. ps; I understand you've stated in the past you don't hook up with girls from Buffalo but I want you to know ...I'm different) list.

I think he'll find it very convincing. And if he doesn't.....Andy and I have our ways. OUR WAYS.

I've said it before, I will say it again, this has been one of the best summers I have had in a long time and god knows

I've needed one.



I don't know when my life got so complicated, but honestly. I'm actually kind of liking it. As up and down frustrating and silly as it is at times, it's actually kind of nice. Kind of makes me smile and want to punch things at the same time. I love that.

That actually wasn't sarcasm, future Alessa. JSYK.

Sunday: I went to Victorian Spring at the History Museum with my mom for a belated Mother's Day. It was an absolute blast, I love history. and the Victorian period is my favorite. and hello, museums. So it was just perfect. There were tons of people dressed in Victorian costumes (all authentic) I want to dress like that everday, with a parasol and a charming smile. I'd be the talk of the town! Probably not in a good way, but whatever. Most importantly me and my mom got to take a Sunday off and just enjoy ourselves. That's always the best for me.

So, today Andy, Crystal and I celebrated HALFOWEEN. Kudos to Alex for coming up with the name! Me and Andy randomly celebrated Halloween in June last year and we decided, let's do it again. Crystal is Halloween crazy too so we invited her to join in. We made snickerdoodle cookies, apple crisp, pumpkin pie, had apple cider (hard and not hard) and watched ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW as well as listened to the soundtrack on vinyl. We played THE SCOOBY DOO HAUNTED MANSION GAME and 1313 Dead End Drive. All in the sweltering heat haha. It was an absolute blast. I actually slept over Andy's house last night, and we went to bed fairly early. I'm on the phone with him for over an hour just going over EVERYTHING that's been up lately (so much) and I was like uh HELLO, why aren't we in our jammies together? So he came and got me. I really want it to be Halloween now, and I wish it was. I'm itching for it to be fall and to go apple picking and riding my bike through the fallen leaves. Le Sigh. It's a nice fix to hold me over though, so that's always good.

Tomorrow I believe we're going to some show with some people at some place. I really don't care, I like to hang out after work and I only have 16 hours this week so what the hell else am I going to? Stupid Tops.

I really thought this entery was going to be way, way better. But it's uh...it's not. It's just a bunch of gibberish. Like last night when this happened:

Andy: I'm rubbing off on you!
Me: Stop trying to get me to join your cult, you FREAK
Andy: I'll have the kool-aid ready for you when you come over tomorrow
Me: I ain't drinkin that shit!
Andy: There's no arsenic, just...just...lube.
Andy: You don't drink it.

Also; the june bug that KNEW WE WERE THERE.

Good times, Good freaking times.

Other than that, I believe I have nothing new to report on.

I can't stop listening to Alkaline Trio. I have been getting into old bands lately, it's wonderous.

So, I'll leave this at that, and if I think of anything, I will come back.


I really have to stop coming on here at 4 in the morning and writting shit. But that's the best time to write. My cat, asparagus is sleeping behind me on this chair. I have no idea why, he just jumped up here, yelled at me then went to bed behind me.  So I had a pretty fun night. Oh wait he's leaving....cause I moved the chair. Silly Kitties. Chairs are for HOOMANS.

Well, my night went by really fast. Jess is back in the department, which made for a fun night of laying on the ground in aisle 7 screaming and driving around the parking lot. Clearly, we were hard at work. What ever, people were using the office like their personal lounge so.... here's where I'd put a fuck. IF I GAVE ONE. Atleast I work with tons of awesome people, so at times my saturday nights feel less like as suckfest and more like a fun night out. Sometimes. Maybe.

I had a dream last night about a guy I like, and I haven't seen in FOREVER. And I'm gonna sound stupid and girly but I was like man, I miss that fucker. But that's okay it was not meant to be serious. For a second, I thought he was being serious and I was like OH GOD WHERE'S THE DOOR, WHERE'S THE FUCKING DOOR? I've been a real saggitarius lately. I think because I tried oh so hard to be good and stay still and I don't know, let my other signs take the wheel and it just, it didn't work out for me. I'm a lone wolf. Howlin' at the moon. Still miss him. OH WELL. MOVIN' ON.

On Friday Andy took me on an adventure to Rochester, where we stared at hot boys at Dinosaur bbq. I'm seeing a pattern here. Woops. Well, we did. We call them WATERMELONS. Took a picture for John to semi rub it in his face that we were there, especially since I'm vegetarian. I'd never been to Rochester not for a show before so it was a real treat. Dinosaur was deliciouuss. And Andy surprised me by taking me to a used book store, which was just lovely. I got a book for my dad and a book of poems for me. The city is really lovely, not dirty and sad like Buffalo. But we couldn't stay too long 'cause we had to return to hash out some EUROPE 2012 BUSINESS. with ANNABELLE.

I am so beyond excited, to see all of the cities and spend every day waking up somewhere new and going on adventures and hearing all the different languages and trying new food and seeing all the hot boys...yesss.

I am never going to want to come back, I just want to spend my whole life on the road, traveling and searching for answers to existential questions that can never be answered. I feel like it's going to be lonely though, but I think I'll be okay. I always land on my feet. Like a cat. a super awesome cat. Well I have to be up fairly early tomorrow so I should get to sleep, until next time, dearest Livejournal. I can always count on you to listen to me.

Insomnia is LiveJournals BFF4L. So these past few weeks have been...interesting. I normally would be on here, complaining or trying to figure something out. But I've said it a million times, out loud and in my head. It changes nothing. It may never change anything, but I am a firm believer that my course is my course. My path is my path. And my choices, they are mine alone. I cannot undo what I have done nor what others have done. I can merely change what I am to do, hopefully not too entirely based on what has passed. But who even knows anymore? You become so numbed, and accustomed to a certain degree of distance that anything else feels foreign.

And often, my life feels like a revolving door where the same things keep happening over and over and over again and sometimes, I just want it to stop.


FRIDAY: What an awesome night! Didn't go the way I tried to plan it, but Andy and Jess G made it a blast. An awesome front end at Tops is leaving and so she had a going away party. There were some immature people there, but Ryan and Jon A appeared! Ryan said he'd stop by, but he stayed the whole night. We saw Jon's car and I ran in like a mad person carrying a bottle of wine and wearing only one sock demanding to know where he was haha. I'm glad they stayed all night, along with everyone who was there. I drank almost the entire bottle, and some beer. and woodchuck. And drunk texted some boyz. and me and Andy took over someones Pandora account (his name rhymes with READER) HAHAHAHHA.  and he was getting mad at me liking and unliking shit. Oh and his counter part said I was 'wasted' and not to listen to me. So I told him to say that shit to my face. He just sat there like HUR? ME? I'm like, yeah you get the fuck up and say.that.shit.to.my.face. Nothin'.
Pussy ass mother fucker.
Anyway,I signed into my pandora and Andy and I just put on hard core and pop punk and spent the night skanking in the living room. Ryan and a few other's joined in, and at the end of the night I made everyone put their hands in to do a TOPS cheer. It was so cheesy. It was magical! Andy, ever the gentleman drove me home where I passed out and didn't wake up til late Saturday. I wish I could have more nights like that, especially now that summer is here!

Saturday: Work was really good! I HAVE A NEW FRIEND. I wonder if people would be mad I put their real names in here. hahahahhaa. Maybe I should give everyone code names. But then like two years from now I'd be like "WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?!" Well anyway, yeah, he's my over night scan buddy.He doesn't work in scan though. Because he is too cool to do tags. I think he works in another department, but i've never actually seen him do work soooo....;) JKIN'. So that made Saturday night a lot more fun, and it went by super fast.

I will have worked 40 hours after tomorrow, since Friday. Ugh. My whole body is clearly not okay with this. It's confused and has decided the best course of action in this situation is to not let me sleep. Not, you know, pass out from sheer exhaustion. Why.


Well Tops or no Tops this summer is going to rock. I have so many great concerts to go to, and EUROPE.

I read somewhere that saggitarius' are notorious for being fast as lightening.........

when it comes to running away from problems..........

Why IS a raven like a writting desk?


ETA: Found this from like 2009. Reinforces my revolving door theory, but did make me laugh at my self.

"I feel like Sam all the time. like I keep trying to find normal but it will never happen and I can run and conform and do whatever it takes but in the end i'll wind up with super powers killing demons and in a bitchin' car with my ridiculously good looking brother with no hope of ever rejoining normal society."

I think that sums up, everything I've been going through the past 4 years. Why hasn't anything changed?


May. 6th, 2012

This entry will be dedicated to something everyone already knows about. MY 2012 TRIP TO EUROPE. Clearly, I have told every living (and non-living) object about how excited I am about Paris. In reading old Livejournal enteries I found not one, but two failed attempts to go to Paris (graduation from highschool apparently, I was going to go and drag my mom because I had no friends...and was amazed that one could stay in a hostel for 30 a night. This fact currently makes me cry!) So, I cannot honestly believe I have finally pulled it off. I can remember reading Interview with the Vampire and thinking 'if only, if only.'  I was going to move to Paris and become an actress. I was going to learn French before they took away the language and left only Spanish. So while it took a lot longer and I don't speak French I am really proud of myself. I am so glad Andy and Annabelle wanted to backpack, and even though I had to give up going to school in Spain this is worth it. I really am not sure how I feel. I'm nervous, excited, scared, nervous, excited...scared. All in one! It's surreal having a dream this big come true and part of me is afraid it won't live up to my expectations. But I know it will because I know myself and I know how I love this city.....

We're staying in Monmartre, which is expensive but we're a 15 minute walk from the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur. It's also an adorable neighborhood a little far from the city centre. So every morning when we wake up and steal muffins from the breakfast table, we get to walk through charming Parisian streets until we get downtown. I cannot wait. It's going to be absolutely magical.

So this is really really happening. We have our plane ticket, our train ticket, our rail pass. Our hostels have been booked. And everything is pretty set to go. But I still feel as if I'm going to wake up someday and this won't be real. I'm not sure if it ever will feel real. Even when I am there, even when I am waking up in Paris and looking out of my window wishing I could stay forever.

So mostly, excited and nerous and just ready to go and ready to begin my life as a world traveler.

More updates on this to follow, I am sure.


So destroy yourself just to find yourself

So, me and Andy saw STICK TO YOUR GUNS on Easter Sunday, and again because I decided Monday night I hadn't had enough, on Wednesday in Toronto. Now, this band is absolutely amazing. I believe all, or most of them are edge/vegetarian. And the music in and of itself is amazing. But the meaning behind the lyrics, the focus of the band is one of bringing it back to punk roots. Taking a political, spiritual standpoint of some sort and projecting it through your music. It's been along time since I've listened to band like that. The lead singer, Jesse, whom me and Andy met after the show has some really great life philosophies. In general, he just seems like a really cool person that I would love to sit up with all night discussing. We would probably have amazing conversations. So, he has a blog entitled "Some Kind Of Hope" (based on a STYG song) and on it he placed his E-MAIL and was like, hit me up with your life philosophy. So I DID, because why not? Honestly I see him as such an inspirational and intelligent person I would just love to hear his opinions on things. So, it took a little while but I think I got to the core of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I am not sure if he will ever reply, or even read it but I figured hey, you're given a chance take it. Because that is also my life philosophy. Along with starting sentences with things you are never supposed to start sentences with. I basically just explained to him that for me, my path is one of caring for others while accepting myself as a person who matters. It's semi-contradictory but without accepting and affirming your own strength and potential how can you stand up for others? If you can't even stand up for yourself? If you are a fighter and a survivor, why not take that and use it to benefit others? I have always felt fortunate, for the little I have, for the fact that these streets didn't eat me alive and take my soul like so many I know. I some how made it out as a functioning successful unburdened person. Maybe not 100% but enough to say that I can make something of my life. How can I be selfish and use it to move myself forward? I never understood the American Dream of owning something other people could never have, of being a slave to a company in a cubicle because that's how you will get to own things other people could never have. It seemed shallow and empty even before I was thrown into total poverty. And I now it probably sounds cliche, and typical. I'll never sell out, I'll never let a tie be my noose. But honestly, I mean what I say. I don't even have the tools because my parents didn't raise me with a dual perspective. I think my sister created her own, but I wasn't raised to survive in a bi-cultural family living in poverty AND have a white picket fence in a gated community. So to me, my only perspective is one of me living my life for others. It's what I've always done and continue to do. But that does not diminish my importance, my essence, my need to look inside myself and evaluate who I am. By doing those things, I create a better stronger more enlightened person who can go forth and bring that growth to a world who needs it.

And that's all I'm trying to say. I hope Jesse understood it. He probably thought I was insane, but that's okay. 

The good ones always are. 


Jan. 15th, 2012

If someone asked me 'Could Dean get any hotter' I'd think for a moment and say 'no, good kind sir, I don't believe he could'. And then they sent him to 1944. And my words, I ate them.

Stuff has been pretty good lately. Me and Andy's birthday party friday the 13th Chuckfest 2012 went pretty good. We had dinner beforehand with Crystal B, who works at Tops and John R who used to work at Tops. They both did not come. We ran out of boozes pretty fast, which sucked but we invited Leader and he brought mojitos and doritos, which is now the best combination...well ever. And we played fact or crap the drinking version til I got pretty much gone. John was texting me appologizing for not being able to come,and I really don't know what I responded haha. :x.

 But!!!!! the elusive Ryan came to both dinner and the party, it was a good day for Ryans everywhere. His band has a show next month and I think that a whole bunch of people may go, so I look forward to that. Tomorrow I'm baby sitting with Amanda and then tuesday I'm having dinner with John R and Andy. Much like the creature we call 'Ryan' John is also elusive. He likes to talk to me, and make plans, and then they never happen. I mean it's been 4 years...they...they never happen. haha. So apparently this is going to happen. But we all know it's not. BUT, then, I LEAVE FOR DISNEY!!! Ahhh. and I have to start school right when I come back. Which is really going to suck, but it was the only time I could go, and I was just like fuck it. I wasn't passing up this chance, and I know my mom is going to have so much fun. I have tons of packing to do, and washing, and buying.....but that's okay. 'Cause it will all be worth it when I'm there. :)

I should probably sleep since I have to be up super early, ugh.

Well, this was an attempt at updating! And mostly a chance to use that super sexy picture of dean... I mean he had the gloves, the hat, the gun, everything.........I'm gonna have to watch this episode again. and again.

Writer's Block: Friday the 13th

Do you believe in any superstitions?
That if you try and poke fun at the 22 year long curse of your birthday (that you tried to disolve by celebrating with a  friends birthday, only to drag him down too) by postponing the birthday extravaganza to Friday the 13th, you will be punished with the first and probably only major snow storm of the entire season.

Lesson learned.